Category Archives: relationships

i love valentine’s day.

i’ve been single for the last 8 valentine’s days. and i absolutely love valentine’s day.

and not in an apathetic “singles awareness day” type of love. i love, love valentine’s day. next to halloween & my birthday, it’s my favorite holiday. okay, well i really just like holidays in general.

to celebrate, i like to spend the day doing all of my favorite things – all the things i love smushed into 24 hours.

this year, my day included:

  • the new boots i’ve been eyeing online finally on sale!
  • my favorite band shirt { interpol } and my wear-once-a-year red converse with hearts
  • chocolate-covered goodness from my parents + little bro
  • red & white roses
  • princess bride wine: as you wish white & inconceivable cabernet
  • bright red velvet flats
  • a beautiful evening at the dog park with my bella bear
  • cheap yet enduring manicures in silver glitter
  • glee @ the drafthouse with my sister
  • black keys + garbage tickets for april

a lot of this valentine’s included treating myself to a day’s worth of purchases. but i also started to think about all of the other things i wanted to do but couldn’t squeeze into one day: hiking with the bella; visiting an art gallery or three; reading for hours with a great green tea; painting; yoga and zumba and sushi.

i realized how ridiculous it is to just shove my favorite things into a few days a year. what’s preventing me from doing something i love every single day – or at least once a week? i can’t say that i’ve come through with this over the last few weeks, but it’s stayed in the back of my mind. what are the favorite things that you never make time for?

.. on dating.

i don’t date. i know that makes it strange to start a post “on dating” but that’s just the fact. i don’t do it. i’ve never done it. and i don’t really want to.. except that i really, really do.

i’ve had boyfriends. from the time i entered 6th grade { dont tell my mother } until about 4 years ago, i always had someone. one boyfriend was quickly followed by another because i always had a back up – to be on the safe side, so i was never truly alone.

& then 4 years ago, when i should have been relishing a new life in a new city, i stopped. i stopped wanting attention. i stopped caring about myself, my appearance, my health. previously, i tried to look good because i wanted attention; i wanted to attract attention or keep someone’s attention on me. and then.. i wanted to disappear.

i was content to hole up in my office, in my apartment, and be alone. i met new people, especially new women, who i found simply fascinating. they were in wonderful long-term relationships with men who saw them as equals. they participated in the most creative activities and held themselves with such grace and confidence.

i thought they were fabulous. and i knew i wasn’t one of them. i felt inadequate. even though they made no indication that it was at all necessary, i found myself anxiously trying to prove myself – and failing miserably. so i retreated. the effort it took to prepare myself for social interactions was exhausting. every now and then, i found myself having an amazing time, building my confidence and encouraging myself to try again. but more often than not, i felt ridiculous. the quiet, strange girl in the corner who no one knew and everyone wondered why she was there.. if they wondered at all.

over four years later, i might be ready. i am ready. to start over; to try. well, maybe ready isn’t the right word. but i’m ready to be reckless. dating requires you to be vulnerable, or so i hear. and that’s not something i’ve done very well lately. so i’ll be a little reckless. i’ll put myself in vulnerable situations – which at this point includes anything outside of my apartment or office. i’ll let myself be vulnerable – which at this point includes smiling and actually speaking to new people.

you might be able to tell by now.. being reckless for me doesn’t include jumping out of a plane or raging until all hours of the night. we’re starting from the beginning. who knows where we’ll end up?