i’m so vain.

let’s see if i can do this, the way you do.

i just realized its been over a year since that night. i’m not really even sure how we got there but i remember being excited & nervous & well.. happy.

& then the morning came & i got.. weird. really weird. overwhelmingly & embarrassingly weird. so i had to bail. but let me explain.

i had such high hopes when you finally got here. it was like a decade – or two – in the making. despite what you may have thought, finding friends has always been painfully difficult for me. that’s why i cling desperately to the ones i made before i learned to be self-conscious. you were on the short list of people that i felt really, really understood me. like we shared a multitude of minor inside jokes, memories only we shared, cultivated over years & years of conversations.. even with oceans between us.

so imagine my disappointment when i found myself repeatedly silent or screaming; in limitless lectures or endless rounds of meaningless argument. but i kept trying because every now & then – i saw the spark again.

..until i didnt. instead of the quick, teasing gleam in your eye, i saw my own disappointment reflected. this is not what you expected either. so i tested my theory – how long could you carry the conversation? how much more painfully obvious could it be that you no longer cared for my side of a story? how little could i say while still technically being present?

the fall from my (your?) pedestal had been gradual but i suddenly felt the rush of gravity. there was something about that shit-hole apartment hidden behind a flowering face that became my metaphor. i could no longer seem okay – the pipes burst; the ceiling came crashing in.

& i saw myself as you probably did. so far gone from the person i was supposed to become as to be unrecognizable. but really, you no longer looked at me.. no longer needed to see me.

 

& now i know, the song was never about me.

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